Blog

You’ve heard the saying “It’s not WHAT you say, it’s HOW you say it.” In fact, this is repeated at my own house plenty of times a week.

I think, though, perhaps it CAN be WHAT you say. At least, in this circumstance.

What circumstance, you ask?

This one: Let me know if you need anything.

I posed this question on my Facebook profile recently:
If someone says to you “Call if you need anything.”
How likely are you to call if you DO need anything?

the responses were:
*not at all
*highly unlikely

*I’d text (when I asked if she would reach out her response was yes, but it would depend on who was asking)

*No

*highly unlikely

*Not likely at all!

*Very rare for me but many times I should have taken them up on their offer.

*Nope

*Very unlikely

*Depends on what it is–and from the same person–I’ve learned people do not ask so I force my help on them in some cases. (to which I responded that there was an entire blog post swirling in my head over this!)

*Won’t ever call

*I wouldn’t

*I don’t think I ever have except for close friends who have already showed up without me asking.

*Never. So when I know someone is going thru a rough time, I’ll check in on them often!

*I think it depends. When I truly needed help, while my husband was stationed in Turkey, I had a couple people I would call when I needed actual help. The flip side, I had a couple every Sunday for 16 months say to me, “you’re doing so great with the kids, we need to have you three over and give you a break from cooking one night.” Every time I would reply, “that sounds amazing! Just let me know when and we’ll be there” we never actually got an invite once, just the promise of one. I think circumstances matter, but I also think people’s offers are hollow, and so we’ve grown to assume they don’t actually want our burden and so keep to ourselves.

Did you notice a trend?

How many of those responses were a plain “yes”?

I’ll help you out…1.

Her husband was deployed and she had “her people”, but she also had people who offered to invite them over…but NEVER did.

And there was someone that said she would text, but it really depended on WHO it was that was asking. So, that’s not really a FULL yes, is it? (not to me)

We’ve had a lot of life going on lately. Truth is, though, we’ve had a lot of life going on for quite awhile.

In July of 2020, my husband got cellulitis. It was nothing new to us, he had gotten it quite a few times before. What WAS new to us, though, was a hospital stay. Not just one, but TWO different stays in a matter of a week.

In the midst of the first hospital stay, I posted this.

See those words at the end “offers to help”. I can promise you that I didn’t reach out to a single person that offered to help. I did, however, respond to the people that said things like this:

Back in October of 2020, I got COVID. It was a pretty bad case of COVID along with a case of double pneumonia. Long and short of it…I was quarantined for 21 (extremely long and difficult) days.

I shared on Facebook that I had COVID…I ended my post with this–

Let me tell you what happened.

MEALS. GROCERIES. COOKIES. CANDY.

I can’t even begin to tell you HOW much of it, either. Literally, we had multiple people drop off hundreds of dollars worth of groceries. We had people drop off meals, some people more than once. We had people drop off groceries to make our favorite soup.

Recently, we’ve had some more stuff going on and a friend said to me “Call me if you need anything!” I simply responded with a “Thank You!”

I truly was thankful she had said it. But I also knew I wouldn’t call if I needed anything. Even though I do know she 100% meant every bit of her offer.

Her comment is what led to my Facebook question. Wondering if I was the weird one that wouldn’t call, or if I was in the majority. Turns out, I’m in the majority.

But, it makes me sad, actually.

Those people that responded–one of them is battling breast cancer and just had a double mastectomy, another lost her husband within the last few years, another had a son who was in the hospital twice in the last 6 months, another has a son with a heart defect that has needed surgery multiple times in his life, another lost her son and mother within the last year…truth be told…I probably can give you a reason for each one of the women who responded as to why they’d have a “reason” to reach out.

But, none of them would.

But I wonder if what was said was something like this–

I want to drop off a meal for your family? What is your favorite?

OR

I want to call in a pizza order to your favorite pizza place! Let me know what your favorite toppings are and what time is best for delivery.

OR

I am a terrible cook, but would love to drop off some “fast/easy” meals. What are some of the favorites your family likes?

OR

What is your paypal/venmo/apple pay? (then after it’s given) Thanks! I’m going to send some money so you can buy yourself a meal!

Would their responses change?

I’ll tell you what.

Mine did.

When people come out and said to me “this is what I want to do…” I was more likely to say “wow! okay! thanks!”

I’ll also tell you what.

When I have said those last three things to people…not a single person has turned me down. They have all willingly accepted the blessing.

I’ve changed what I have said to people, because I want them to accept the offer of help. Because, I know that most of the time (and it was proven in my very much not super researched Facebook post) people are NOT going to reach out if they need help.

I also know that when I’ve changed what I have said to people, they have been blessed…and so have I.

Recently, a friend’s daughter was in the hospital for almost 3 weeks, I was able to find out her apple pay and sent some money for a meal early on in her stay. When her daughter got to come home I was able to send some money for a meal for their entire family to enjoy.

Her response, in part, was

My reply back to her was

Because people have blessed us, I’ve been able to change what I say, so I can bless other people. It’s not that I was just a big old jerk before, but I never knew how to help. Turns out…you just TELL people you’re going to help and don’t give them a choice. 

Truth is, we WANT to be a blessing to people…but we struggle to remember that people ALSO want to be a blessing to US! I challenge you, the next time someone offers their help…take it! Make it a little weird and reach out to them. Tell them, you know, I hate cooking…and life is super stressful right now. If you’d want to make us a meal, we’d so appreciate it.

If the person told you to “reach out if you need anything” but was saying it to be nice…well, they aren’t going to tell you that in that moment! They’re going to make you a meal. Or they really WILL look like a jerk. (and probably won’t offer next time, unless they 100% mean it!) Moral here…mean what you say and say what you mean.

If you know someone is going through some “stuff”, reach out to them and tell them you’re going to offer up XYZ.  If you haven’t realized by now, I am not a cook. I don’t enjoy it. I am not going to usually offer up a meal. I will, however, offer up some fast and easy frozen meals for you. I will call a pizza place for you. I will send you money so you can do with it whatever you want. Maybe you can’t do a meal of any capacity, but you love to clean…offer up to clean their house. Offer up to take their kids for a moment or two. Offer up whatever you can offer up. (Clearly, I love food, so this is food based for me)

My oldest daughter asked me not too long ago to buy stuff to make lasagna. I told her “okay, we could have it this week”. She said “no, I want to make it for L’s family.” L’s grandma had just passed away. She messaged L and asked her when she could drop off a meal. L tried to turn it down. But my little girl, just like her momma, wasn’t having it.

L’s dad told me afterwards how much it meant to their family that A had done that for them. I told him how much it blessed ME to see her being the hands and feet of Jesus to someone she loved. (He also mentioned he didn’t even know salad came like that. I picked up a “bagged” salad kit for A to drop off, too. I’m guessing his wife actually makes salads “from scratch”. See, I hate cooking SO much, I can’t even make a salad from scratch. ha! You can change people’s lives with bagged salad kits, friends!)

Here’s the deal though. We don’t have to wait for someone to be going through something to bless them. NOTHING has blessed us more than a sweet friend who has randomly dropped off chicken noodle soup for us. She found out that HERS won our family’s “best chicken noodle soup” award during the COVID meal drop offs and it was absolutely my husband’s most favorite chicken noodle soup of his whole life. Anyways. She has randomly messaged me a few times saying she’s dropping it off “today” and it’s been a huge blessing each time. In fact, one of the times was after a really busy few weeks and I was dreading having to think of something to make for supper (more than normal) and she messaged me saying she was bringing over soup. I told her that I knew God used her that day!!

God wants to use you.

He wants to use others in your life.

You just need to be willing to do it.

You just need to be willing to accept it.

Be willing to do.

Be willing to accept.

See how God changes your heart because of it.