We did it. It’s done. We raised a kid. (Yay, us!)
Published Aug 1, 2021
We did it. It’s done. We raised a kid. (Yay, us!) by Elisabeth Aaby
Eighteen years ago, as my husband and I joined the ranks of naive, earnest, sleep-deprived new parents, we set out somewhat cluelessly on a journey with an obvious destination (“raise this helpless, adorable infant to independent adulthood”) but very little clarity on exactly how to get there.
Well, it appears we’ve arrived. Those naive and earnest new parents are now slightly less sleep-deprived (although arguably more tired) and that helpless and adorable infant is an intelligent, capable, compassionate human being who is ready to set out on her own adventures. I’m so proud of her. And to be honest, I’m proud of us. We did it. All three of us. We navigated the journey, together, and I think we did a really good job.
I’m not here to tell anyone else how to raise their kids. You’ve all got your own stories, your own unique combination of personalities and circumstances under your own roofs, and I’ve been at this long enough to know that what “works” in one season with one child doesn’t always translate to another season and another child even in the same family, let alone in another setting. But I also know that most of us in the trenches of parenting are looking around for guidance, thankful for any directional signs along the way that might help us navigate our own journeys more peacefully or productively. So I’ve been reflecting a little on some things that served our family well in this process. I share them here with the hope that one or two may be helpful or encouraging to others who are plotting their own parenting paths—even if it means you’ll pick a different path than we did. Clarity is good, either way!
Respect — I don’t mean we taught our daughter to respect us (though I think she does), I mean that we fostered an environment of mutual respect in our home. We respect our kids. We value their uniqueness and affirm their worth as people made in the image of God. We respect their autonomy and the fact that they are “other” than us. We respect their opinions and welcome their expression of their preferences. When we’ve been able to, we’ve made adjustments (in communication style, in expectations of behavior, in the ways we live together) to accommodate their preferences and the ways they’re wired. Of course, that all works best when the kids are affording us the same kind of grace —that’s why we tried to cultivate mutual respect. I think fostering respect for one another has helped us to navigate areas of tension and disagreement, and come out of them with better understanding and more affection for each other. In other words, I don’t think the fact that we all still like each other is an accident. It takes work, and respect for each other is an important part of that work.
Permission — This was a parenting habit/philosophy that we sort of stumbled into (remember, we were clueless) but it’s one I’m really thankful we practiced. When our kids were really young, I guess we somehow instilled the expectation that they should ask for our permission to do just about anything they wanted to do. Especially when it was a new setting or something outside of the norm, our kids would look to us and ask if partaking or participating was okay. But even within our home and in the course of normal routines, they just seemed to ask permission. Frequently. “Can I have a snack right now?” “Is it okay if I watch a show?” “Can I go on the computer?” etc.. Full disclosure: this gets annoying sometimes. We’ve been interrupted a lot over the last 18 years with these kinds of questions (from all three children). On the plus side, though: I think this practice established some appropriate boundaries with kids. It solidified that we, the parents were the authorities and the primary sources of information for navigating new situations. It helped us to communicate expectations and preferences on a regular basis in a variety of scenarios, and it allowed us to say “yes” often. This may not be everyone’s style (or it may seem like a ridiculous no-brainer to others), but I honestly believe many parents of young kids could save themselves a lot of stress by trying this approach. Of course, as kids grow older, it’s wise to transition out of their needing to ask permission for so many things. Sometime around the tween to early teen years, a lot of those conversations turned from seeking permission to providing information—“I’m planning to ________. Is that alright?” “I need to ________, does that work with our schedule?” for instance. I think, for us, this approach established parental authority in a clear but gentle way early on, and it has invited continued communication and collaboration as kids age. I really do recommend it.
Cooperation — Parents can make their kids obey them (particularly in the younger years). It’s not that hard, it’s just not always productive. When kids are little, all the power and authority lies with the parents. Adults are bigger, stronger and smarter than (most) kids, and whether through physical force, mental strength or emotional manipulation, most parents in most situations can force compliance. Early on, I figured out that in most of our daily interactions, I could draw battle lines and force obedience. And I really could “win” most battles. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to fight my kids. So in our house, we started using the word “cooperate” a lot. Instead of forcing obedience, we asked for cooperation. We would explain why we needed or wanted a child to do something and then ask them to cooperate with the family’s plans. If they simply refused, a battle line had been drawn and we’d have to adjust our approach. At the end of the day, mom and dad are in charge and the kids need to do what we’ve told them to do. We definitely had some hours-long standoffs with stubborn preschoolers, and sometimes there just wasn’t time to patiently finagle cooperation from an iron-willed child, so obedience just had to be enforced in some way. But I think we had more moments where tempers didn’t flare and situations remained relatively peaceful because we exercised cooperation with each other. As our kids have gotten older, I think that fostering this spirit of cooperation has eased the transition to the teenage years and beyond. Because we’ve developed habits of cooperation, we can communicate that we want to work together toward the goal of greater independence for teenage kids, and the message is believable.
Prayer — This is the last but most important thing I think we managed to get right in parenting. It’s the only piece of parenting advice I would ever give anyone without reservation. No matter who you are, what your kids are like, what your family situation entails . . . everyone needs this piece of advice: pray! Pray for wisdom and discernment. Pray for your kids’ health and safety. Pray for their friends and influences. Pray for them to know God, to love Him and to sense that they are loved by Him, on their own. Pray for your connection and interactions with them. Pray for them when you love them but don’t particularly like them. Pray for them when it seems they don’t like you, either. Pray for the development of their character. And yours. Pray for provision for your family’s needs. Pray for the things you all want, those desires of your hearts that would bring you laughter and happiness. Pray when they’re sick. Pray when they’re healthy. Pray for their future. Pray for the things that are important to them today. Pray, pray, pray. First and foremost: pursue your own relationship with God, through Jesus so that you will have confidence that He hears and answers your prayers (see John 14:6, Ephesians 3:12, and 1 John 3:19-24. Read those! They’re important!). And then: pray your brains out.
I don’t know the specifics in your own homes and histories, and I don’t presume to be an expert for anyone else, but I will say that these four practices have been productive and helpful in our own home and on our first child’s path toward independence. I recognize, too, that she and we haven’t actually “arrived” anywhere yet! We made it to 18, but now we’re buckling up for the next adventure—the transition from high school to college, from living at home to moving out, from child to adult, and we’ll be learning together how to redefine our relationship. Again, we’re setting out (somewhat cluelessly, still) on this next journey with her. We will leave behind some of those practices from her childhood, and find new ways to communicate and collaborate as we watch her take the wheel and set out on her own new adventure. We couldn’t be more proud. She’s ready, and so are we. Drive safe, kiddo.
